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Idea for a story

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Idea for a story

Post by Ani on Wed Aug 27, 2014 1:36 pm

This is an idea for a story I wrote on wattpad:) please tell me what you think and if I should continue it or nah
Daphne's POV
Flashback:
'" Please, Mikeala, could you atleast tell me where you're going?" I'm desperate, why won't she tell me where she's moving? she's my best friend!
" Daphne, NO! I don't wanna talk about it" Deciding it's no use to make her even more sad, I drop the subject. 
" Look Daphne, I'll email you when I arrive there, and there will be no one there like you ok?" "Please do, Mikeala, you'll have no idea how much I'm gonna miss you!" I watch as she picks at her pearl white nail polish. " I know Dap, I'm gonna miss you more, I'll email you everyday!" 
I watched as she checked the time. We both knew it ws time for her to leave. After one last hug and crying, Mikeala went to her parents SUV. Suddenly she turned around and ran back to me. Hugging me again, She whispered in my ear. 
" You better email me. I'm gonna miss you soooooo much Daphne, Email me and I'll reply." I can't speak. My mouth is dry and hot tears are pouring out of my eyes. I force myself to get the last words out of my mouth. 
"I'll miss you Mikeala"  Then as she runs to her car. 
"Bye Dap" 
Now I'm crying like I've never been before. 
"Bye Mikeala" 
She waves at me. 
I force myself to speak again. "Bye" 


Last edited by anicaniff on Wed Aug 27, 2014 3:43 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Idea for a story

Post by ETRD on Wed Aug 27, 2014 1:44 pm

Really good!
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Re: Idea for a story

Post by Ani on Wed Aug 27, 2014 1:49 pm

TY (:
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Re: Idea for a story

Post by Hazza on Wed Aug 27, 2014 1:54 pm

I like it and I think that you should keep on going. I just think that if you need to work on grammar and spelling and some punctuation errors.

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Re: Idea for a story

Post by Ani on Wed Aug 27, 2014 1:57 pm

ok (: thanks for your opinion
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Re: Idea for a story

Post by Hazza on Wed Aug 27, 2014 2:53 pm

No problem!

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Re: Idea for a story

Post by Ani on Wed Aug 27, 2014 3:34 pm

bump
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Re: Idea for a story

Post by Guest on Wed Aug 27, 2014 3:40 pm

They're great however some English there isn't well written out if you get what I mean? c;
Maybe Kalani was speaking for an example and she stops, then Sarah speaks and both sayings are on the same line but when someone new speaks their speech must be put in a new paragraph (:

For the "I know Dap, I'll email you everyday"  instead it should be: "I'm gonna miss you Dap; I'll email you everyday". The comma is too weak for thag and the full stop is too strong so you use tbe semi-colon to emerge the two sentences that are related in a way.

For the "Im gonna miss you sooo much Dap, Email me and I'll reply" instead of a comma [since it's too weak] use the full stop. This is a perfect time to use it.

And just for the end "I force myself to speak again. 'Bye'"
Instead of "speak again." It should be "speak again ," so that at the end of the "bye" you can finish that speech with the full stop

I hope you don't take this offensively; I'm only trying to help you in the best way possible. Your writing is amazing and I'm very interested in it but there's just a few gramnar anf spelling, as hazza said, that need to be tweeked c; 

Overal though it was amazing *claps hands*

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Re: Idea for a story

Post by Ani on Wed Aug 27, 2014 3:43 pm

Ty for your opinion 
I'll fix the grammer
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Re: Idea for a story

Post by Guest on Wed Aug 27, 2014 3:47 pm

No, thank you for giving me this opportunity <33

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Re: Idea for a story

Post by Hazza on Wed Aug 27, 2014 3:50 pm

Locked; Requested.

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